For most of my adulthood, my opportunities to travel have been hindered by debilitating anxiety. This was deeply unfortunate, because I love traveling. I grew up in the suburbs of Omaha, Nebraska and didn’t see the mountains until I was sixteen or the ocean until eighteen. Needless to say, I have been desperate to go everywhere I can reasonably (and unreasonably) get.
Unfortunately, I have several phobias, including airplanes and bugs. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and social anxiety as a teenager. A car accident in which I was a passenger during at nineteen gave me moderate PTSD. The death of my second child at twenty-three tacked on a more severe trauma to that preexisting diagnosis. I know anxiety intimately, and as a person hoping to become a psychiatrist in the future, I also understand it. It’s irrational, even if based on real events, but still very, very real. The heart pounding, the racing thoughts, the dread deep in the pit of your stomach, the absolute certainty that the worst is or has happened.
But I knew when I saw the Representing Empire study abroad opportunity that I had to be there.
I’m not going to tell you that that motivation made the anxiety go away or always bearable. It didn’t. I paid extra for a direct flight to Dublin from Seattle because, yes, I actually have decided during a layover to drive 1,500 miles back home instead of taking the four-hour flight. I cried during takeoff (big thank-you to the mother with her children sitting next to me who reassured me throughout the nine-hour flight that everything was normal and I wasn’t going to die). I had a panic attack on the prop plane from Belfast to Edinburgh and had to hold a friend’s hand during takeoff and landing. I worried about my wife and my kids all the time and could only contact them for one-third of the day due to the time zone difference.
And yet…everything was fine. None of the planes crashed, and actually, the flights to and from Dublin were really smooth! I went on several tours in busses or vans, and took multiple trains, and nothing happened! Actually, those were the best parts. I saw and touched Hadrian’s Wall, which is a nearly two-thousand-year-old wall that the Romans built during their invasion of Britain. I stayed with friends in a hostel on Loch Ness (no, I did not see the monster, but I got a stuffie of Nessie that my three-year-old is obsessed with!) I took a hike to the Fairy Pools on the Isle of Skye and two short hikes in Glen Affric in the Highlands – which is actually the most surprising thing I did – and only screamed due to bugs three times! And Edinburgh. The second I stepped into Edinburgh I knew I needed to go back. It’s all historic buildings and statues of morally questionable people with traffic cones on their heads and nature and public transit and the Lavender Menace bookstore and pigeons! So many pigeons! And seagulls! During my two-week stay in Edinburgh, I firmly and to the disapproval of my wife decided that I will risk the increasingly transphobic culture of the United Kingdom to come back (…permanently…maybe…?) to Scotland. I thoroughly fell in love with this country.
To sum all of this up, I deeply encourage anybody who is worried about studying abroad due to anxiety to do it anyway. You will absolutely not regret it. Yes, there will be difficult times. You will miss home sometimes, you will need proper coping skills to deal with clinical anxiety, and things that you weren’t expecting will come up. You will also do once-in-a-lifetime things that will blow your mind. You’ll learn new things from new perspectives from the people wherever you’re visiting who are passionate about the subject you’re learning about. You’ll make new friends while also learning independence. I really can’t emphasize how glad I am that I decided to take this opportunity, even if it meant facing multiple phobias and triggers.
Some advice that I can give that helped me on my trip (as a student, not a professional):
1: Choose a program that calls to you. I found other interesting programs when I was searching for an opportunity, but Representing Empire: Media, Colonialism, and Human Rights in the UK and Ireland made my heart immediately leap with excitement when I saw it. If you’re really excited and motivated, that will help with pushing through the hard parts.
2: Book a direct flight if you have flight anxiety, even if it’s pricier. Especially if you really hate take-off like me. And book a seat above the wings, it’s the most stable part of the plane so you’ll feel less of the turbulence.
3: Talk to your professor/s and a professional. If whoever is leading the trip knows about your fears and/or diagnoses, they’ll be better equipped to help and can give you any information that will be helpful. A therapist or other mental health professional can work with you on coping skills that will be useful for anxiety. Breathing techniques can really work wonders. If you don’t have your own therapist, there are resources on campus.
4: Balance time alone and with others. I spent a lot of the beginning of the trip going out as much as possible with others, but it was draining. Leave time for yourself. If you have anxiety then your body is often on high alert. It needs the rest.
5: Find and book extra outings. While I absolutely loved and learned a lot from the tours we went on as a class, my favorite memories are from the tours and outings that I found on my own or with friends. It’s well worth the extra money.
I hope that if you’re a person with anxiety like me that this has made you feel less alone and, even if nervously, up for the challenge and big rewards that studying abroad has to offer. For me, the benefits have continued since I’ve been home. I’ve been more open to trying new things and more confident in facing anxiety triggers. All the walking and the hikes I took in Scotland even gave me a new hobby at home: walking outside! It doesn’t sound like much to most, but for people with phobias and anxiety, you’ll understand what kind of progress that is. The worst part about studying abroad was having to return. Cross your fingers for this future applicant to the University of Edinburgh!
